Parody: Away in a Manger (Famous names)

Another parody, this time providing different lyrics to the Christmas carol Away in a Manger. Fitting famous names to the melody whilst trying to maintain key rhyming schemes resulted in the following.

Away in a Manger (Famous Names Version)

Faye Wray, Stewart Granger, 
Chris Chib., Father Ted, 
Sid Little, Lorne Greene, Dustin Gee, Mister Ed. 
Pa Larkin, Kiera Knightly, 
Luke, Han, Leia, Rey, 
Siri, Lita Ford, Geezer, Wayne Sleep, Andrew Ray.

Roy Castle, Jim Bowen, 
Al Gore, Eddie Yates, 
Muttley, Mary Peters, Noel Clarke, Kathy Bates, 
Olaf, Bernadette Peters, 
Lou Grant, Buddy Guy, 
Ant, Jeremy Clyde, Tim Vine, Lady Di. 

P Diddy, The BeeGees, 
Arthur Askey, Gru, May, 
Joe Friday, Endeavour, Brian Clough, Doris Day, 
Daenerys Targaryen, 
Steve Martin, Dan Dare, 
Tom Baker, Sue Ellen, Olivier, Cher.

Parody: Wake me up before you go-go

This one was inspired by a simple spoonerism of jitterbug!

Make me up unsweetened cocoa

Bitter jug

Bitter jug

Bitter jug

Bitter jug

I had the mushroom stilton to start

And so I will not try

Food from the dessert cart

Saccharine or aspartame

I'll also leave to hang but thank you all the same.

"Avoiding sugary

food don't seem right,"

my best friend told me

though his words seemed trite;

words I am keeping out my head.

Back, you demon,

'cause I'm having savoury instead!

CHORUS

"Make me up unsweetened cocoa.

Don't give me syrup in a latté, no, no

Make me up unsweetened cocoa,"

I said explicitly, "barista guy,

Make me up unsweetened cocoa.

Do I have to ask again in slow-mo?

Make me up unsweetened cocoa -

okay, you got it right...

Barista guy, yeah, yeah!"

You take the Fun Size outta my way

You take the Crunchie, Mars Bar and Milky Way

You brought a sweet tub here when you came

My thanks, but take it back if it's all the same

'Cause, though they're tasty, can't be beat,

one can be hasty when they're nice to eat.

Avoid sickly sweets tonight;

If we eat them

Trousers will become too tight

CHORUS

Cauli's a maybe, Muesli's alright,

While some will eat out tomorrow night

We'll hold our time, and stay in instead

Take a chance,

We'll eat Crackerbread

(Bitter jug)

CHORUS

Are you leaving?

A loon-goon-buffoon, oh!

Assume-gloom-new-broom (un-fair)

(Are you leaving tonight) Where?

Where, where?

Parody: Riders on the Storm

From time to time I enjoy attempting parodies of well known songs. Sometimes this can be promoted by a misspoken lyric.

One that came unbidden a couple of days ago was the Doors' "Riders on the Storm"...

RIDING UP MY BUM
Riding up me bum
Riding up me bum
Undies are creeping on
Until they're almost gone
Like a mole into a hole
It crawls into our soul
Riding up me bum.

It is killin' all my hope
The pain - it's gettin' hard to cope
Take a wrong step and pay,
Future children? Nay.
If the situation rides
They'll be lost in my insides
Killin' all my hope, yeah

Well, you gotta take a stand
Well, you gotta take a stand
Take yourself in hand
Somewhere under-manned
Don't care if it offends
Extract if from your end
Gotta take a stand, yeah

Repeat verse 1

Riding up me bum (until fade)

Geometry

 

Euclidean geometry:
math'matics' poetry,
Structure I hope you'll agree.
Even if our intentions
stick to two dimensions
we'll find there is plenty to see.

'Cause even when flatter you'll
find equilateral
triangles are simply a breeze.
Equal side lengths one expects
But there at each vertex
the angle's a cute sixty degrees.

If you stick two together
you might wonder whether
or not the result is worthwhile.
If you want to discuss
how you might form a rhombus,
scrap the common line. Done. And with style.

When it comes to isosceles
symmetry's there to please;
two sides will measure the same.
Each opposite angle
within this triangle
do too and that is their aim.

Take the side that's between
and bisect it (I mean
find the midpoint) and draw a straight line
to the angle it faces;
you'll find that this places
two right-angles there. Worth a smile.

Getting ninety degrees
in this way's the bee's knees
For triangles like these are good news.
Though the sides are uneven
they're linked, I am leavin'
a term for the long side - hypotenuse.

This might invoke mem'ry clues:
Squares on hypotenuse
If it has, all well and good.
A Greek called called Pythagoras
sussed this in years long past.
Beauty? Yes, he understood.

Enjoy the Wait

The poem title may seem ironic given the length of time since my last post.

It is dedicated to those who have those agonising waits whilst their partner is enjoying extended retail therapy...

Enjoy the Wait

If ever there's a reason
(especially Christmas season)
to take some inspiration from the scouts -
No, don't think about your woggle!
Your mind's no need to boggle;
you should put aside unnecessary doubts.

Be prepared, that's all I mean,
(See? That's not at all obscene)
when going with your partner to the sales.
Give them all the time they need:
Take a book with you to read!
Leaf through pages as they leaf through clothing rails.

If the age they take's Jurassic
Then read a weighty classic
And their indecision won't be such a grind.
Discard the ills you wish 'em -
Read Lee Childs or maybe Grisham
Thrillers are a great time filler you will find.

So engross yourself with reading
Whilst the shopping bags are breeding;
The progeny of all the cash they spend.
And when they finish shopping
Don't be pressured into stopping.
Let them wait until the chapter meets its end!