Where do you go when presented with a poetry theme of "Essex Girls"? Not having watched TOWIE or any of the other supposed reality dramas (or whatever they are supposed to be), you have to rely on the stereotypes as portrayed in the press. So any miffed young women from the county can lay the blame there...
That said, I must admit the short time I spent researching on YouTube was an eye opener!
The resultant poem is below - with an Ian Dury inspired title.
Essex and Clubs and Roxanne's Role
I’m Roxanne and I’m Essex born and bred.
I’m ready to go clubbing with my friends.
“I’ll meet you there at ten,” – that’s what I said,
So can I speak to you? Well, that depends.
Like, are you goin’ta try to pick me up?
Don’t worry – I’m not goin’ta rule it out.
You only want an interview? Shut up!
So watcha want to talk to me about?
The Essex look? You need the proper clothes
And jewellery in just the proper place.
My new stilettos: worth the squashed-up toes.
My hair extensions: just to frame my face.
Yeah, looking good’s important to my crowd:
I like the streaks of blonde; they look so good.
Fake tan? Well yes, because I always vowed
I’d never look like I was drained of blood.
So yes, my make-ups got to be just right:
You gotta make an effort with the slap
‘Cause when you’re going clubbing every night,
Your photo might be taken by a pap.
Besides, the other girls make up as well.
We all expect it though the rule’s unsaid,
And – stands to reason – I would be well jel
If all the lads paired up with them instead.
We have a laugh, we put the world to rights.
Like who to vote for when we’ve had enough.
Evictions and the conflicts and the fights.
Iraq? Do you mean silicon and stuff?
A boob job? Maybe somewhere down the line,
And botox? Well, you gotta look your best,
‘Cause basic’ly the guys don’t want to dine
With girls who don’t – they’re simply not impressed.
Hey, Essex rhymes with “yes sex”. That’s so reem.
That surely proves that God exists, I say.
What makes you think I’m trying to blaspheme?
Whatevah. That’s so clever. Anyway.
We’re meeting at a bar – “the Zodiac”.
It’s sociable to drink cocktails and wine.
Did someone say the clocks are going back?
Does that mean that I should be there by nine?