Come on Eileen (short Political Parody)

The Conservatives may have been kicked out of government but their legacy still prompts commentary or derision. A touch of Dexy's Midnight Runners, I think. Not the full song, but the flavour is there.

Come on Eileen

Tories - what they say

Sounding crass upon a TV show

With the gaslighting we've grown to know

All the times they lied

Yet some wouldn't blame them...

When shown (won't own up)

Atone? (Won't own up)

Still they'd sail us down the river (which are unclean)

Tory faux ignorin' Tory lies

But now we've halted 

Come on, fourteen

Years, I swear what we've seen

There were moments

Thought I'd seen everything

They made a mess

Their tricks, I confess

Were so dirty

When we needed clean.

Widdicombe Fair (Post Election Political Parody)

A number of well-known (UK) Conservative politicians lost their seats in the General Election held on 4th July 2024. This included the short-serving Prime Minister and economic wrecking ball Liz Truss  It seemed an idea to make a list given the Tom Cobbley they made with their misrule.

Tom Pierce parody (Widdicome Fair)

Three cheers, three cheers - let's see who's not there 
There's a long list, a long list we can see 
Of Tories that added to years of despair
With Grant Schapps, Penny Mordaunt, Johnny Mercer, Therese Coffey
Michael Fabricant, Gillian Keegan, and Jacob Rees-Mogg took a fall
They kicked out the Lettuce and all.

It's sad there's Rishi, Hunt, Jenrick, Patel 
Not on the long list, the long list we can see
I'd liked to have seen Braverman there as well
But Grant Schapps, Penny Mordaunt, Johnny Mercer, Therese Coffey
Michael Fabricant, Gillian Keegan, and Jacob Rees-Mogg took a fall
They kicked out the Lettuce and all.

We lost Simon Clarke and we lost Simon Hart
To the long list, the long list we can see
And Tobias Ellwood, Mark Harper depart
Like Grant Schapps, Penny Mordaunt, Johnny Mercer, Therese Coffey
Michael Fabricant, Gillian Keegan, and Jacob Rees-Mogg took a fall
They kicked out the Lettuce and all.

We lost Michelle Donelan, lost Damien Green
To the long list, the long list we can see
And Lucy Fraser, Robert Buckland are seen 
With Grant Schapps, Penny Mordaunt, Johnny Mercer, Therese Coffey
Michael Fabricant, Gillian Keegan, and Jacob Rees-Mogg took a fall
They kicked out the Lettuce and all.

Now note Michael Gove stood down so he won't be
On the long list, the long list we can see
But Jonathan Gullis is one you can see 
With Grant Schapps, Penny Mordaunt, Johnny Mercer, Therese Coffey
Michael Fabricant, Gillian Keegan, and Jacob Rees-Mogg took a fall
They kicked out the Lettuce and all.

Although there's some left, we can enjoy the look
At the long list, the long list we can see
And sing out the names of each ejected crook
Like Grant Schapps, Penny Mordaunt, Johnny Mercer, Therese Coffey
Michael Fabricant, Gillian Keegan, and Jacob Rees-Mogg took a fall
They kicked out the Lettuce and all.

Haul Away Joe (Election Political Parody)

 General election time. Another sea shanty seems appropriate.

Let 'em All Go (Haul Away Joe)

1. Once the people weren't so mad

But Twenty Ten descended

REFRAIN: Chuck it away, and let it all go!

They voted in Dave Cameron

And sanity it ended

REFRAIN: Chuck it away, and let it all go!

CHORUS 1

Chuck it away, the Tories getting bolder

Chuck it away, and let it all go!

Chuck it away, a weight we'd have to shoulder

Chuck it away, and let it all go!

 

2. We thought it wouldn't be so bad

A Lib Dem coalition (+ REFRAIN)

It didn't stop austerity

That social demolition (+ REFRAIN)  

MAIN CHORUS

Chuck it away, to asset-stripping Tories

Chuck it away, and let it all go!

Chuck it away, experience what poor is,

Chuck it away, and let it all go!

3. Farage, he conned the government

To call a referendum (+ REFRAIN)

With lies upon a big red bus

Our rights, they planned to end 'em (+ REFRAIN)

4. When Davy scrammed, Theresa May 

Was called to handle Brexit (+ REFRAIN)

The endless arguments, they led 

to her chaotic exit (+ REFRAIN)

5. A populist buffoon came next

A charismatic liar (+ REFRAIN)  

Surrounded by his yes men

He would feed us to the fire (+ REFRAIN)  

6. Inept uncaring Boris

And each profiteering donor (+ REFRAIN)  

They ignored rules that they had set

Whilst we died from Corona (+ REFRAIN)  

7. It took an age to kick him out

A little gem came after (+ REFRAIN)  

She caused an economic crash

Could it become much dafter? (+ REFRAIN)  

8. A multi-millionaire came next

For whom no member voted (+ REFRAIN)  

And all the time our rights were trashed

And culture wars promoted (+ REFRAIN)  

9. They pushed through laws to strengthen 

their control and steal our future (+ REFRAIN)  

After fourteen years descent please say

Election Day will suit ya! (+ REFRAIN)  

10. Well now can’t you see, polling day is nearing (+ REFRAIN)  

End of the week, I hope that we'll be cheering (+ REFRAIN)  

Vote them away, those asset-stripping Tories

Vote them away, and let them ALL go!

Vote them away, show them where the door is,

Vote them away, and let them ALL go!

Vote them away, and see them gone forever 

Vote them away, and let them ALL go!

Vote them away and beat them hell for leather 

Vote them away, and let them ALL go!

Tory Ravaged Nation (Willy Wonka political parody)

I saw a mockup image of Rishi Sunak dressed as Willy Wonka. This alone was the inspiration for a Pure Imagination parody

Tory Ravaged Nation

Come with me and you'll be

In a world - a Tory ravaged nation.

We're corrupt, fueled by greed,

and we don't believe in limitations 

We don't bother with spin,

Playing fast and loose with defamation

Feed the public each lie...

Degradation.

If you're told your town is on the rise, 

Simply look around, we'll screw it

Insufficient funds? Blew it -

On our friends and donors 

They've gone through it

It is evil, we know

But we love our Tory ravaged nation

So despair, we don't care

'Cause I only think of me.

If you want some decent services

We won't give you funding for it

Raid our coffers, we abhor it

Need a living wage? 

We'll just ignore it.

It is evil, we know

But we love our Tory ravaged nation

So despair, we don't care

'Cause I only think of me.

Hey Mickey (Political Parody)

Frustration at governments with whom one is opposed is not unusual. I find that writing parody lyrics to well-known songs is fun anyway, so combining this with political commentary is an ideal vehicle to provide some relief. This is but one. (More to follow)

Hey Mickey (Toni Basil)

(Chant, repeat 4 times) 

Oh Rishi, you're a swine

You paid a fine, another time 

Hey Rishi, hey Rishi

Hey Rishi

Your party is a fright and twelve years' a little long

You represent far right but I think you've got it wrong

Why can't you be less tight?

So we can heat our homes, Rishi

'Cause when you say you will, it always means you won't

You're givin' us the chills, maybe freeze maybe don't

Every blight you instill leaves us all to moan, Rishi

CHORUS

Oh Rishi, what a pity, all that you have planned

It tears us all apart with each cut or tax demand

Oh Rishi in the City, we all understand

It's guys like you, Rishi

Ooh what you do Rishi, do Rishi

Won't you depart, Rishi

Hey Rishi

Now with our income devalued and your cronies getting mo'

Even though there's proof, mainstream media you control

There's something you misuse? We won't hear so, Rishi

You'll come on and take it from us anyway you can

Anyway you want to do it, now you've got a protest ban

And sleaze, MP sleaze - you put us in this jam Rishi

Chorus, Chant × 4, Chorus × 4

Dancing in the Street (Partygate Political Parody)

The behaviour of Boris Johnson and his merry band of Covid rulebreakers was rich for parody. 

Down in Downing Street

Callin' out around the world
Are you ready for a brand new cheat
Boris here - and the time is right
To chance in Downing Street

We're chancing from the get go (that's in Downing Street)
Lie 'bout Europeans (that's in Downing Street)
We do talk shitty (that's in Downing Street)
All our greed - abusin', we're abusin',
Rights abusin' everywhere

There'll be tricking, betrayin' and donors paying
Down in Downing Street

It doesn't matter what you say
Just deny that you were there;
The proles will  - buy each lie we unfurl
We don't care about the world
'Cause we're chancing (that's in Downing Street) 
etc

Java Jive (Political parody and rich roast)

Sometimes a particular politician inspires ire with their behaviour. This time, Therese Coffey.

Java Jive

I hate Coffey, hate Tor-ee

Hate her brazen lies at the ministry

Coffey Tor-ee, the conniving you see,

Muck up, muck up, muck up, muck up, give up!

Each palaver, from this clot

Whoops! Theresa Coffey, country's gone to pot

You've lost the plot, empathetic you're not

Cock up, cock up, cock up, cock up, give up!

How they make things worse, raid the taxpayers' purse

It's an extra curse when they act so perverse

An evil harridan, a flawed one, a gorgon,

Prater, baiter, sack the traitor!

I hate Coffey, hate Tor-ee

Hate her brazen lies at the ministry

Coffey Tor-ee, the conniving you see,

Muck up, muck up, muck up, muck up, give up!

The Tory Clan (Wellerman parody)

I know it's not politically balanced, but I look at it this way. I'm prepared to share my vitriol upon a party of any persuasion who are in government if they treat their people with such contempt.

In any case, writing these poems/lyrics is carthartic and I'm fond of creating parodies!

The Tory Clan
(To the melody of The Wellerman)

1.There once was a slip and conned were we
To give control to the Tory party,
They're so corrupt, they grind us down,
They grow, these bully boys grow (huh)

CHORUS
Rees-Mogg and Braverman come
With Patel, Dorries, Coffey, Raab (dumb),
Truss, Rishi from Boris's bum,
They'll take our lives and go.

2. Nadhim Zahawi is one more
Kwarteng, Cleverly, Eustice: poor
(in morals - for they rake in more,
their donors all aglow) (huh)

3. Barclay, Wallace, Malthouse and Shapps
don't care about the energy caps
as power falls into their laps
Who cares if poverty grows (huh)  

4. Javid, Gove no longer around
but hanging on - that Boris clown,
Care home numbers were brought down
Matt Hancock had to go (huh)

5. We wonder how long can it last,
Restrictions on our freedoms passed,
We can only hope it's soon these nasty
sub-humans will go (huh)

Drive Down Wages

Another political poem, with the vague idea of creating a protest song.

The current squeeze on the low paid is becoming intolerable, with energy prices creating vast profits whilst more and more people are having to choose between eating or heating their homes. Government seem more interested in placating the donors that finance their party rather than caring for the populace. The fuel price increases affect everything else including food.

All material for a protest song.

Drive Down Wages

Drive down wages as the profits soar

Shareholder dividends are at the core

Funds to a government - their corporate whore

Mutual benefit, and they want more.

Shift blame to those whose lives are on the floor

Paid media outlets will take on this chore

Front page scapegoats we can all abhor

Distract the masses - glitz and glam galore.

If things get tight then blame a foreign war

Cut back on services already raw

Private consultancies will then ensure

Tax payer monies go to banks offshore.

When prices rise and rise and rise some more

When people starve because they're made too poor

We can't protest because it's 'gainst the law

Don't fret - be happy that the profits soar.

The Idiot at the Door

This poem needs context. At the time of writing we have a right-wing government and there is a growing dissatisfaction in the populace about their handling of the economy and their disastrous lack of care for all but the wealthy and corporate supporters that finance them.

This political poem was in response to a friend's reaction to an unexpected visitor - a supporter of the government's local representive, actually polling to see if they could expect her vote. Her views are diametrically opposed but she was so shocked at the audacity of the caller she was unable to summon the vitriol she considered apt.

Having written this, I needed a title. I considered "The Poll Chancer", "Door to Door Failsman", "The Noddy Politic" but decided on a simpler one.

The Idiot at the Door

On Saturday a knock came - a knock upon my door.

I opened it and saw a man - what had he come here for?

He asked a question, one incomprehensible to me

He surely wasn't serious yet he smiled expectantly.

"I represent your MP and we're here to take some notes.

We wondered if, come polling day, will yours be 'mongst our votes?"

As gobsmacked as I was I barely managed a reply.

A "no" seemed insufficient, but enough. He said, "goodbye."

But afterwards, upon this incongruity, I mused:

Was it shock at their stupidity? Such words I could have used!

I'd rather swallow broken glass,

or tattoo Boris on my ass,

Let spiders lay eggs in my ears,

Have pus infuse my hourly beers,

Run naked through the flames of hell,

Endure a burning methane smell

from dragons eating diseased meat,

Chew fungal skin from Rees-Mogg's feet...

I could go on (you get the gist)

The opportunity I missed

To let the moron on my path

Think I was a polymath,

To blind the berk with rhetoric

To make him realise he's thick.

It takes a Mobius logic twist

For each Tory apologist,

So finally, I'll summarise:

I will not bow to Tory lies,

And when you're asking for my vote,

It's "grow a brain, you silly scrote."

Political Parties

Recently I find the political situation in the UK to be a rich source of inspiration for poems. 

During a time when the government imposed strict rules to limit the spread of coronavirus, the population made sacrifices - one of the most heartbreaking being the restriction against being with loved ones in their dying hours.

Reports of social gatherings and parties within government were at first denied, then deflected by the Prime Minister. As evidence emerged, stories changed, eventually leading to a supposed apology in the House of Commons. At the time of writing, criminal responsibility and political fallout has still to be ascertained. 

This is the background to this poem.

 Political Parties

The PM said there were no parties,

then said that they followed all guidelines,

then in a knee-jerk

later claimed it was work,

hoping it was consigned to the sidelines.

Enraged that there "could" have been parties

The PM denied that he'd known,

Enquiries were needed

before he conceded

that any lockdown rules were blown.

When photos of Downing St garden

showed people with cheese and with wine,

it was merely a meeting

and no one was cheating -

the PM said all this was fine.

Whilst investigations continued

The chap at the helm stood aside

It was for the best

As a conflict of int'rest

made him the wrong guy to decide.

The PM still denied involvement

in parties around Number Ten.

A picture was posted

of a quiz that he hosted -

a party hat meeting again?

One hundred were emailed in lockdown

To make the best use of good weather,

to bring their own booze

if they should so choose,

to drink, socially-distanced, together.

It emerged that forty attended

with trestles set up with some nibbles.

An unlikely meeting

With boozing and eating;

Mistaken for work, came the quibbles.

But who could have made such an error?

The PM himself had attended

At first he'd not twigged

As the attendees swigged -

at least, that's how it was defended.

So now what does ev'ryone think?

When he said that no parties occurred

He'd not just been wrong

He'd been there all along

Denials are simply absurd.

The PM had lied to the House.

He'd partied and broken the rules.

Whilst Britons had died

He had partied and lied

And treated the people like fools.

Apologies will not suffice.

Whilst rare, don't believe they're sincere.

He won't leave by his choosing;

When his party fear losing,

Maybe then there's a chance that day's near.

A Plea, From Me

Now, this poem is on the political side. Biased? Probably, but as it's my poem it can be. It was written on 29 November 2013, setting myself an exercise to write a poem in iambic monometer - i.e. two syllables per line with the emphasis on the second. The first couple of lines came so naturally and  before I had decided on a subject, but having these lines in my head I simply had to continue the anti-government theme.

So, to continue the British habit of complaining about the current government (of whatever party), here is

A Plea, From Me

Bog off
You toff.
Your crew
Can too.
I'm sick
Of Nick,
I'm through
With you.

We've toiled,
You've spoiled.
Complain?
In vain.
Welfare?
Don't care.
Our pain,
Your gain.

So Dave,
Please save
Your lies;
We guys
Have heard
Each word.
Truth dies.
Surprise.

Don't need
Your creed
(Conceit,
Deceit)
Up there.
Our prayer?
You greet
Defeat.

That's why,
Dave, I
Once more
Implore:
Bog off
You toff.
Head for
The door.