Parody: My Way

Do you ever mis-speak a song lyric without really thinking? Yes? But do you then ever feel inspired to complete the parody? Sometimes I do.

My Way

And now, I drank some beer,
Too much I fear, like Richard Burton
It start...ed with good cheer
Got off my face, of that I'm certain.
I guess... I spoke some bull
Offended some, and yet if I may,
I'll say, that's what I do,
I imbibe my way.

Cig'rettes, I've had a few
I've spluttered through, but I should mention
I find, if I can choose,
I'd prefer booze to use my pension.
When canned, I choose - of course -
the strongest ale for cash that I pay,
It means less breaks to whizz;
I imbibe my way.

Lager and limes, a jar or two,
When beer is off, what can you do?
But won't have more, there is no doubt,
I'd have a change, and drink some stout!
I'd drink it all, lean on the wall 
And imbibe my way.

I've loved to quaff with pride
I've had a swill when I am cruising
And now my brain is fried
I still will try to keep on boozing
I puked upon on the cat
(It ran away, off down the highway)
But do not fret, it did come back.
I imbibe my way.

For what is a can? What is a shot?
What is a glass? Get a pint pot!
Forget the pie that just congeals
And get a scotch 'til my head reels,
With my red nose, the record shows
I imbibe my way.

Parody: Away in a Manger (Famous names)

Another parody, this time providing different lyrics to the Christmas carol Away in a Manger. Fitting famous names to the melody whilst trying to maintain key rhyming schemes resulted in the following.

Away in a Manger (Famous Names Version)

Faye Wray, Stewart Granger, 
Chris Chib., Father Ted, 
Sid Little, Lorne Greene, Dustin Gee, Mister Ed. 
Pa Larkin, Kiera Knightly, 
Luke, Han, Leia, Rey, 
Siri, Lita Ford, Geezer, Wayne Sleep, Andrew Ray.

Roy Castle, Jim Bowen, 
Al Gore, Eddie Yates, 
Muttley, Mary Peters, Noel Clarke, Kathy Bates, 
Olaf, Bernadette Peters, 
Lou Grant, Buddy Guy, 
Ant, Jeremy Clyde, Tim Vine, Lady Di. 

P Diddy, The BeeGees, 
Arthur Askey, Gru, May, 
Joe Friday, Endeavour, Brian Clough, Doris Day, 
Daenerys Targaryen, 
Steve Martin, Dan Dare, 
Tom Baker, Sue Ellen, Olivier, Cher.

Parody: Wake me up before you go-go

This one was inspired by a simple spoonerism of jitterbug!

Make me up unsweetened cocoa

Bitter jug

Bitter jug

Bitter jug

Bitter jug

I had the mushroom stilton to start

And so I will not try

Food from the dessert cart

Saccharine or aspartame

I'll also leave to hang but thank you all the same.

"Avoiding sugary

food don't seem right,"

my best friend told me

though his words seemed trite;

words I am keeping out my head.

Back, you demon,

'cause I'm having savoury instead!

CHORUS

"Make me up unsweetened cocoa.

Don't give me syrup in a latté, no, no

Make me up unsweetened cocoa,"

I said explicitly, "barista guy,

Make me up unsweetened cocoa.

Do I have to ask again in slow-mo?

Make me up unsweetened cocoa -

okay, you got it right...

Barista guy, yeah, yeah!"

You take the Fun Size outta my way

You take the Crunchie, Mars Bar and Milky Way

You brought a sweet tub here when you came

My thanks, but take it back if it's all the same

'Cause, though they're tasty, can't be beat,

one can be hasty when they're nice to eat.

Avoid sickly sweets tonight;

If we eat them

Trousers will become too tight

CHORUS

Cauli's a maybe, Muesli's alright,

While some will eat out tomorrow night

We'll hold our time, and stay in instead

Take a chance,

We'll eat Crackerbread

(Bitter jug)

CHORUS

Are you leaving?

A loon-goon-buffoon, oh!

Assume-gloom-new-broom (un-fair)

(Are you leaving tonight) Where?

Where, where?

Parody: Riders on the Storm

From time to time I enjoy attempting parodies of well known songs. Sometimes this can be promoted by a misspoken lyric.

One that came unbidden a couple of days ago was the Doors' "Riders on the Storm"...

RIDING UP MY BUM
Riding up me bum
Riding up me bum
Undies are creeping on
Until they're almost gone
Like a mole into a hole
It crawls into our soul
Riding up me bum.

It is killin' all my hope
The pain - it's gettin' hard to cope
Take a wrong step and pay,
Future children? Nay.
If the situation rides
They'll be lost in my insides
Killin' all my hope, yeah

Well, you gotta take a stand
Well, you gotta take a stand
Take yourself in hand
Somewhere under-manned
Don't care if it offends
Extract if from your end
Gotta take a stand, yeah

Repeat verse 1

Riding up me bum (until fade)

A Zombie Christmas

The December 2016 "Pub Poets"' gathering had a theme of a Very Zombie Christmas. For my contribution I decided to write a parody on a sequence of Christmas songs and carols - on a zombie theme.

Verse six and seven were later additions, but I performed the other verses a cappella on the night.

I should have posted this earlier but there's a good reason why not.

I've since created a multi-track recording of myself in four-part harmony and wanted to include the link to an MP3 of "A Zombie Christmas". So here it is.

Link to A Zombie Christmas MP3

If you want to follow along with the words whilst you listen, or simply want to read the words and imagine the tunes in your head - here they are.

A Zombie Christmas

Silent Night
Silent Night – I’d like to bite
On your head. ‘Cause I’m Undead!
Don’t need urging to feast on your brain
No! It’s not because I am insane
The simple reason’s because
It’s a Zombie Christmas.

We Three Kings of Orient Are
Common Zombie origins are
Wild mutations – some quite bizarre
Virus and voodoo, some you may pooh-pooh
But you know what we are.
Oh – As we lumber, you take flight
Running off with all your might
Still proceeding, may be bleeding
All we want’s a little bite!

God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
I’ll bite the flesh of gentlemen
And ladies here today
Because I like the flavour
I’m a local food gourmet
Encephalitic hemispheres
Are lovely to flambé
Although raw brains are something to enjoy
Girl or boy
Yes raw brains are something to enjoy.

Once in Royal David’s City
How d’you foil a rabid zombie?
Take an axe and chop off its head
If another way is needed
Then arrange a shotgun instead.
If you miss, be reconciled –
You will have your brain restyled.

Oh Come All Ye Faithful
With some brains, a mouthful’s
enough for our enjoyment
But we eat more to meet our stra-a-tagem
Blood’s running from our lips
for the zombie apocalypse.
We do more than just gnaw them
We do more than just gnaw them
We do more than just gnaw them
We won’t be ignored.

Away in a Manger
There's no imminent danger
From the walking undead
But the risk then increases
If we're running instead.
With cars then you might try
to drive far away.
We will rip you to pieces
So keep us at bay.

While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks At Night
While zombies watched the cars drive off
Not all of us pursued.
Eventually the dawdlers come;
We don't all like fast food.
We're not, you see, into "street cred" -
We'll seize amaxophobes,
Glad that those folk who don't like cars
Will lose their frontal lobes.

We Wish You A Merry Christmas
So a big thanks to George Romero
We thank you – George Romero
Yes, a big thanks to George Romero
From e-ver-y-one
By deciding to sing
These words I do bring
I wish you a zombie Christmas
And that’s it – I’ve done!

All Through The Night (A Parody)

The latest open mic meeting of the Pub Poets was on St David's Day. Accordingly, the theme chosen was "Wales Tales", or "Whale's Tails" for those of a more nautical nature.

I'd already written something of that ilk last June (or thereabouts) so I wanted something of a different nature. I still had not had any inspiration two days before the event. And then...

"I know. I'll write some different words to that lovely Welsh tune - All through the Night." So here we are.

All Through the Night (A Parody)
Last month I had trouble sleeping – All through the Night.

Smoke alarm had started beeping – All through the Night.

Had to get up, climb a ladder

Change the batt’ry, then I had a––

––nother break to void my bladder – All through the Night.

Did a spot of babysitting – All through the Night.

Wasn’t fun, don’t mind admitting – All through the Night.

Asked to do things, he’s declining,

Fussy eater when he’s dining

Woke me up with all his whining – All through the Night.

Used to work ungodly hours – All through the Night.

for a boss like Austin Powers – All through the Night.

Bloke thought he was oh-so-dashing,

Set the ladies’ teeth a-gnashing,

But then he was done for flashing – All through the Night.

Ev’ry weekend we go boozing – All through the Night.

Finding silly things amusing – All through the Night.

Once I had a dodgy curry;

Was so drunk I could not hurry.

How could there be so much slurry? – All through the Night.

Lately I’ve been sitting, writing – All through the Night.

Though my bed looks quite inviting – All through the Night.

Not just stories; you know when you

Get the in-spir-a-tion then you

Write a po-em for this venue – All through the Night.

Hey Raisin Face

This poetic form is an example of a "hymnal measure". If you feel particularly musical, try singing it to the tune of "Amazing Grace."

Hey Raisin Face

Hey Raisin Face, don’t come around
to make a date with me:
You should get lost, as I have found
that you are out your tree.

Please face the facts and listen here.
You wonder why I’m peeved?
A sense of dread approaching fear;
this is what you’ve achieved.

The teenage changes, boils to spare
and even more to come;
Your face pokes out from greasy hair:
No way that I’ll succumb.

You’ve had no promises from me
to prompt your overtures.
I’ve not concealed my thoughts; I’ll see
no spotty paramours.

I’m not impressed, you’re bound to fail,
your chances won’t increase
and no duress will make me quail:
I simply don’t like grease.

I’m worth it, all my friends say so,
not shallow by design.
They spotted you some weeks ago;
they warned me you would whine.

Should we be here ten thousand years,
my hackneyed, acned one,
God may like one who perseveres
but I don’t, so be gone.

She's no' Here (Mamma Mia)

A few years ago, the IT department in which I worked underwent a series of restructures, some of which resulted in phases of voluntary redundancies. I began to write alternative lyrics to famous songs, featuring the people who were leaving the organisation. Amongst these were new versions of "Imagine", "Yesterday" and "Eleanor Rigby".

On one occasion, the department restructure resulted in one senior member of staff being unhappy enough to suddenly leave the organisation, much to the surprise of the remaining staff that morning.

The following are alternative lyrics to the ABBA song "Mamma Mia", documenting that event. My thanks to Gill Slack for agreeing for this more public revival.

She's no' Here

We had meetings arranged at times throughout the day
To discuss how our work matched the new AEGON way.
Then, on the floor, an announcement was
made. To our awe, we were told that we’d lost Gill Slack;
That she’d gone and she won’t be back.
Take one look across the department’s face
Hear a pin drop as our thoughts mount apace
And we go-o:

“She’s no’ here (here we go again)

My my, how could they conceive it?
‘Need a beer (and it’s only 10).
[Deep sigh:] How can we believe it?”
With the years since she started
’Can’t believe she has parted
Why, why would she feel she had to go?
Now we hear, it’s a change of role
Still – why? How could they let her go?

Now some time has gone by and we’re not so bereft

But there’s still disbelief that such a stalwart has left
We wish her well, in her future life
But who can tell what our Gill will do now she’s gone?
You know that her head’s screwed on.
We could guess but we may not get it right
We confess we don’t have perfect insight
So we go-o:

“She’s no’ here (where’s she gone again?)

My my, what could she be doing?
New career, seeking work again;
High fly-ing firms will come a-wooing
Will she revert to coding
Or something less foreboding
Then – why? Why should IT be her goal?
Be of cheer, lots of things to choose
Tie dye, make a fancy T-shirt
Or next year, with her ballroom shoes
Fly by, as a dancing expert”

“She’s no’ here. What could follow then?
Stir fry – master chef a-cursing,
Be a peer, sat beneath Big Ben
Laugh, cry – psychiatric nursing
Yes, these things are permitted
We know Gill’s not dimwitted
Sky dives? There’s no way that she can fall
We’re still here, one more thing we call
Bye bye, all the best from one and all.”