Shakespeare: Ham Lettuce Piccalilli

There's a number of events coming up locally with regard to celebrating Shakespeare's 450th birthday. Although I appreciate his contribution to the English language, to date I have not invested any of my time into understanding the meanings of his literary output. Consequently, my contribution to Bill's big day is a little different.

The following should be read with Shakespeare's famous Hamlet Soliloquy in mind. Scholars may even choose to place this alongside the original version... 


Ham Lettuce Piccalilli

To eat, or not to eat: risk indigestion:
With the peach cobbler I’ve a mind to suffer
The stinks and horrors; borborygmus consumes;
Though to take antacids and seize some truffles,
And with lips closing, eat them? To fry: to make
Quite sure; to fry it deep to say “pretend
That heartburn will not rouse with natural chalks”,
That fish will snare you; ‘tis appreciation
Of trout there to be fished. To fry, to eat;
A treat: purchase ice cream: ay, there’s the grub;
For in such treats of chefs what dreams may come
When we have stuffed ourselves with olive oil,
Most give us pies. We won’t reject
Cornflakes, calamari, even Long-Life;
Fast food – beefburger, chips, sweetcorn – sublime,
The ox’s precious tongue, the Hellman’s, cranberry
Meringues; and what prized lobster’s claws convey:
Enhanced – our sense of focus, and this spurns
Abstinence for it’s true we prefer the steaks,
When on the shelf there’s a pie we must make
With prepared pumpkin. How would noodles fare,
To grill with swede under a kitchen knife?
But then the bread is something for the cress;
The bun is covered, country fromage, quorn,
(No gravlax concerns, expel the swill,)
And makes us gather fare – such thrills we have,
To try provenders that we know not of.
Thus nutrients doth make gourmands of us all;
Ingest the native foods that evolution
Has handed o’er without the slightest thought,
And this comprises the plate that we are sent.
With this regard the curries burn, that’s why
We choose to take this action.